Growing

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I look at him and can’t believe he is the same baby who grunted in the bassinet at the foot of the bed, six short years ago. Today he went to his friend’s house, just like a regular little person. He was SO excited, has been planning and talking about it all week. His friend left him a message, breathless on the voicemail…”Cole, you are my best friend and I really hope you can come over. I miss you a lot.” A message that I don’t have the heart to erase. And when we got there, and he got out of the car, he was overwhelmed and stood there in silence as they orbited around each other and then disappeared. He didn’t say goodbye and I tried not to let it matter. He has his own life, now, and I am left with mine beginning to tear, beginning to rip where I built my life around him.
He fell asleep while I was reading his bedtime story, exhausted from this most exciting of days. I eased myself gently off his bed, turned on the fish light, clicked off his lamp. There is a ghost of my tiny baby in his face as he sleeps and I stood there for a long time watching him. He clutched his Pooh blanket and sighed deeply, and my heart swelled.
He is his own, wonderful person and I’m proud to know him.

WANTED: BFF

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How does one go about finding friends when one is an adult? As a child and teenager, I just made friends at school. Plus, I had my Julie, who was my very best friend. We were inseperable. I had my swim team friends, my choir friends, my school friends, and Julie. But now that I’m an adult, I’m just not sure where I go to find someone. If I’m not at work I’m at home with my family. Work friends- eh, I already spend more time with them then I do my own family. Cole isn’t at the place yet where he really has other kids that he hangs out with, letting me link myself onto their moms. I have lost touch with most high school friends. Julie is a post for another time, and I think I’ve already written one or two of those anyway.

I need a friend that wants to text constantly, who watches the same dumb reality TV shows as me, who loves Cole like their own child, who doesn’t mind Saturday nights spent in our pajamas. I need someone who understands my sometime agoraphobia and need for naps. If they like to gorge on queso dip and raw cookie dough, so much the better. But I don’t know where to find them! If you or anyone you know fits this discription, please contact me right away. I’ll have the TV ready for you!

bits

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I have a serious problem with laziness, in that I AM. I would prefer to spend all my days in bed, preferably with some kind of awesome reality show marathon on the T.V. That or a really good book. Every activity that I enjoy involves sitting…reading, watching T.V., blogging, writing, etc. I think of projects and RUSH into them, so excited and so pumped to be getting something started when I lose the momentum and the project never gets done. Why can’t I have a job that requires me to stay in bed at all times?

Cole is experiencing some growing pains. He has been grouchy lately, doing things that he knows he’s not supposed to do and then whining when he gets in trouble. He got all bent out of shape the other day about something silly. Upon further questioning, it came out that he was missing our old neighbor. Cole was in LOVE with their little girl; an older woman that he was sure he was to spend the rest of his life with. Unfortunately, his parents thought otherwise and had the nerve to move her out of there. She has been gone since October, but Cole (*pitiful, make me cry!*) tells me that he still dreams of her and wishes he could introduce her to his Nanny. How sweet is that! He also said that he only wants to go to Nanny’s house and wants to live there because she has Wi-Fi. Sigh.

The card still resides in the drawer. I used the excuse that I didn’t have a stamp but that doesn’t fly when it has been two weeks and stamps are under a dollar. I’m just not brave enough… yet. I’ll get there.

Movie Memories

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When I was a kid I was allowed to rent one movie a weekend, invariably I would pick between the same two…”Hello Again” and “Hairspray”. My best friend Brandi would come over and we were allowed to sleep on the pull-out couch bed. I remember staying at her house, too. She lived with her dad and we could do whatever we wanted. I watched my first R rated movie there, saw SNL for the first time. There, we slept in the basement on velour couches. Once I woke on my couch with a start…I had peed! I panicked. I absolutely COULDN’T tell anyone, too humiliating. So I turned that cushion over and never told a soul.

“Hairspray” is on right now, and I can taste my dad’s popcorn.   Feeling nostalgic. “Free Tracey Turnblad!”

Wanting my Mom

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The other day I found the perfect thing on Pinterest but my phone is outdated and dumb so I couldn’t post it to my Facebook, which I was trying to do because I passive-aggressively wanted my mom to see it on there without actually TELLING her that it was there and for her. Basically it said something to the effect of “I was going to say all these terrible things but then I realized I just want to say I miss you,” or something like that.

I’m really opening up here, because my mom is a sensitive subject. I may cry, I may yell at you for no reason, or I may refuse to talk at all. I have started and stopped a million times in this post because everything’s all mixed up.

I had an idealic childhood. Some shit happened but shit happens to everyone and basically when I look back I just think of rainbows and bubbles and trips to the beach. There was a lot of laughter at my house, lots of good natured teasing and good old fashioned family togetherness. For a while, there was even a forced “Family Fun Night” which sounds like it was on some sitcom but was real. I was so lucky. And my mom was my entire world. She was my best friend; I was actually so close to her (and such a dork) that I would call her during lunch everyday in high school, just to tell her about my day.

I accidentally grew up and became an “adult”. (word in quotes because even on my best days I feel like I’m sixteen, tops) My mom and I continued to be close, just from seperate houses. However, wherever she was was still home to me. Sunday dinners, holidays, random days, we were still together. We talked on the phone all the time. When I got married and had a baby, sure, that slowed down a little as is natural, but I still turned to her for all things baby related and made sure to text her any and all funny/cute things that Cole did. She and my mother in law were the only people I would trust my baby with; in fact, I remember a dark time right after I had him, deep in the throes of postpartum depression, where she physically took the baby from me and forced me to go home and sleep, which I did for about fourteen hours.

About two years ago, a huge family crisis. My husband made a HUGE mistake, and it affected my mom and family gravely and horribly. I thought we could make it through it, thought that our bond was unbreakable, but I was wrong. Suddenly my best friend thought that every choice I was making was the absolute wrong one, and had opinions on how I was raising my kid (wrong), where I was raising him (wrong) and whether or not to stay with my husband. I chose to stay, which was also wrong. It culminated in a horrible Intervention type episode, with various members of my extended family there to add to the humiliation.

I needed a break. I couldn’t deal with the whole thing anymore, I needed to get my own life fixed and needed to start gluing my own broken family back together. I only meant to go away for a little while, but time stretched out and all of a sudden it was six months and I didn’t know what to say or how to break the ice, and then it was a year and even more weird. I avoid confrontation at all costs; my MO is usually to just avoid the situation until it goes away, which it rarely does but I don’t seem to be able to break the cycle. I didn’t want to have to rehash everything that had gone wrong and how much I had hurt everyone… I already knew.

I KNOW that I was wrong, but I also know that she was wrong in some ways too. I wish we could just start fresh and never talk about what happened in the past, but I don’t know if that’s possible. I don’t know what the first step is… I actually have a card that I’ve written yet failed to mail because I’m a coward. I guess I don’t want to be rejected, though I wouldn’t be any worse off than I am now. It is unreal to me that I am even typing these words; I NEVER would have guessed in a million years that I wouldn’t talk to my mom, my best friend.

Sometimes I’ll catch a whiff of her scent, or someone’s kind eyes will remind me of her. She always seemed to have a glittery sheen to her skin, which when I was little I attributed to magic and still kind of do to this day. More than anything I want to feel her arms around me and have her stroke my hair.

So there is really no neat solution to wrap up this post. I’m hoping that someday soon I will be able to come back here and tell you all that we have made up and it is all sunshine and rainbows again. I hope to find the courage to send this card that is burning a hole in my desk drawer. So we’ll see.

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Lately I’ve been itching to write. I have gotten my journal back out and have been writing in there every night before I go to bed, and in between I have been dabbling here and there with some short stories. I archived all my stories on the computer and have been working hard. It’s nice to have something that I’m excited about; for a while I lost my interest in ANYTHING (which kind of explains the blog silence.)

I have seriously been considering going back to school for creative writing. There’s a part of me that thinks, why waste all that money on something that isn’t a guarantee? But then there’s another part of me that knows that writing is the only thing I’ve ever been good at and wants to do it so, so badly. I’m exploring my options right now; I have to see about getting transcripts from waaaaay back when I was in college in my early twenties, see about loans… I don’t know what I’m going to do yet, but I’m excited.

And related to absolutely nothing, last night Cole asked his dad why he always smiled the same way in pictures. Adam replied that he had always looked like that, even when he was a kid. Cole cocked his head and looked up at him. “Well, did you ever think that you maybe looked stupid?” I laughed so loudly that it startled Cole, who thought that he had hurt his dad’s feelings and retreated to the couch cushions, where he hid his face. Once I stopped laughing, I was able to tell him that he hadn’t said anything wrong. His dad was in the kitchen, making a stupid face.

Talking

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Yesterday we had parent/teacher conferences at Cole’s school. The teacher told me how smart he is, how he is reading off the charts… but the talking! she said, the incessant talking is going to kill me! I laughed; the boy comes by it honestly. My husband has quite possibly never shut up the entire thirteen years we have been together; the man even talks in his sleep. I am also not known for my quietness; I set the record in junior high school for the most detentions, every one given to me because I was, you guessed it, talking in class. So I tried to be serious as I told Cole that he will have to work on his talking when he’s not supposed to, but in my heart I know that he doesn’t stand a chance.

Yes, I took a little time off from the blog, and I hate when people have this long convaluted explanation as to why they were missing… just know that it was a much needed break and that I am thrilled to be back. Lots more to come, I promise!