Secret

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I’m going to let you all in on a secret….

Sometimes I don’t feel like a mom AT ALL.

On a good day, I feel like I am maybe sixteen.  I can’t believe that ANYONE would entrust me with another human life; didn’t I just kill my fish yesterday?  Sometimes the responsibility, the sheer magnitude of what I have to do is too much and I want to run back to my old bedroom in my parent’s house to hide under my covers.  Last night I was standing in Cole’s room watching him as he slept, and I loved him with such a force it brought tears to my eyes.  How can I ever live up to what this little boy deserves?  I feel like I’ve already failed him in so many ways, with all my stupid problems and issues and marital strife.  He should live in a castle somewhere, with a mommy who knows exactly what she’s doing and never runs out of toilet paper. 

When we brought Cole home from the hospital, I couldn’t believe that they just opened the doors and let us take this baby with us.  Who was going to tell us what to do?  Driving home that day, I sat in the back with him and held his tiny hand, and suddenly I saw a rainbow stretching across the sky.  That HAD to be a metaphor for something, but I just didn’t know what.  The miracle that was Cole?  The miracle that would be us if we raised him to adulthood?

Cole is a sweet, huge hearted little boy and I wonder how he is turning out so great, with inept parent’s like us.  I still eat cold cereal for dinner sometimes, for God’s sake.  Sometimes when I am laying in bed trying not to wake up, I forget for a moment that there is a little person waiting for me, to get up and make him breakfast and turn on cartoons.  In those dawn streaked moments in time, I forget I’m someone’s mom.

Then he comes and breathes in my face and starts blathering on about Minecraft, and I remember.  That’s me, the mommy, and I get out of bed and pour him some milk.

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