I’m going to let you all in on a secret….
Sometimes I don’t feel like a mom AT ALL.
On a good day, I feel like I am maybe sixteen. I can’t believe that ANYONE would entrust me with another human life; didn’t I just kill my fish yesterday? Sometimes the responsibility, the sheer magnitude of what I have to do is too much and I want to run back to my old bedroom in my parent’s house to hide under my covers. Last night I was standing in Cole’s room watching him as he slept, and I loved him with such a force it brought tears to my eyes. How can I ever live up to what this little boy deserves? I feel like I’ve already failed him in so many ways, with all my stupid problems and issues and marital strife. He should live in a castle somewhere, with a mommy who knows exactly what she’s doing and never runs out of toilet paper.
When we brought Cole home from the hospital, I couldn’t believe that they just opened the doors and let us take this baby with us. Who was going to tell us what to do? Driving home that day, I sat in the back with him and held his tiny hand, and suddenly I saw a rainbow stretching across the sky. That HAD to be a metaphor for something, but I just didn’t know what. The miracle that was Cole? The miracle that would be us if we raised him to adulthood?
Cole is a sweet, huge hearted little boy and I wonder how he is turning out so great, with inept parent’s like us. I still eat cold cereal for dinner sometimes, for God’s sake. Sometimes when I am laying in bed trying not to wake up, I forget for a moment that there is a little person waiting for me, to get up and make him breakfast and turn on cartoons. In those dawn streaked moments in time, I forget I’m someone’s mom.
Then he comes and breathes in my face and starts blathering on about Minecraft, and I remember. That’s me, the mommy, and I get out of bed and pour him some milk.