Can You Hear Me Now?

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I am a yeller; I come by it honestly, from a long line of yelling people.  When I was younger and my mom and I would get in fights, she would YELL at me not to stomp up the stairs and I would anyway, then slam the door to my room as hard as I could, and I could hear her downstairs muttering to herself and banging pots and pans together.  We yelled at each other at the top of our lungs, always trying to get the last word in.

I have carried this yelling into my marriage and my family, and I am trying so hard to break the cycle.  Cole will cover his ears and say, “I wish people would stop yelling, I wish there was no yelling,” and this just breaks my heart and makes me feel like a horrible mother.  And I’ve noticed that he is starting to follow suite; he screams at me if he is angry or not getting his way, and then of course I yell right back and that’s just not good. 

Over the weekend Adam and I were pick, pick, picking at each other.  Money is tight right now and that always makes us tense.  It all culminated in an epic fight on Monday morning, and I did ask Adam to step into the bedroom before I lost it, but I’m afraid that my voice carries and Cole heard us anyway.  He covered his ears and I felt like I should just punch myself in the face right then.  I have GOT to get this under control.  The only way I can describe it is that the anger builds up and then just comes EXPLODING out of me in the form of the loudest voice I can muster.  But I don’t want to do this anymore, I want to teach Cole that there are other ways to solve a problem.  I’m going to try to walk away, take a deep breath, count to ten.  That’s the plan, and you all are going to have to keep me to it.  I really, really want to get this under control, and I’m going to try my hardest.  I don’t want my son to have to cover his ears anymore.

But Adam has GOT to stop pissing me off.  (Just kidding.  Sort of.)

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