Monthly Archives: November 2013

Aside

Liebster-Award

 

Hey everyone!  Songbird @ http://songbirdscrazyworld.blogspot.com/2013/11/the-liebster-award.html  nominated me for a Liebster award!  I’m so honored.  The rules for the Liebster award are as follows…

 As I understand it, I am now supposed to answer a few personal questions, then choose other blogs I wish to honor, and give them a set of questions to answer. So here are the questions Songbird posed to me.

 1.  If you could do any job  in the world, what job would you choose?

I know it seems like this is the what everyone would answer, but I really and truly would be an author.  Someone paying me to write is my ultimate dream; it wouldn’t even seem like a job!  And my secret, secret dream?  To be on Broadway.  I am known to break out into song spontaneously and without provocation.
 2.  What was your favorite TV show as a child?

I think I would have to say it was a toss up between Family Ties, The Cosby Show and Growing Pains.  I was a big sitcom kid.
3.  Why do you blog?

I love to write, obviously, and am SO nosy.  Being able to read someone’s personal journal is like reading someone’s diary, and I love to hear about people’s personal lives.  The sense of community in the blogging world sometimes makes me so happy, as well, to be a part of something and have someone really listen to what you want to say is priceless.
4.  What is your favorite holiday?

I would have to say Christmas, because I have a five year old and watching the magic happen from his eyes is amazing. 
5.  Is there a country you haven’t visited but would like to?

I would LOVE to visit Australia; I’ve always wanted to go there.
6.  Are you a dog person or a cat person?

I’m actually both; I’ve had both and find that there are certain things I like from each.  I like cats because their personalities are so cool and they are so independent, and I like dogs for exactly the opposite, because they are so loyal and are always ready to sit on your lap and cuddle.
7.  What’s your favorite food?

This is a gross fact about me, but my very favorite food is chicken a’la king, but not homemade… in a can.  Swanson’s in the can, over minute white rice.
8.  What’s one food everyone likes that you hate?

I don’t like anything with pumpkin in it, and I don’t like pies.
9.  Who is your favorite singer or band?

This one is too hard… I love so many bands and singers.  It depends on my mood, what is going on in my life at the time… I love all kinds of music.
10.  Invite three people, living or dead, to dinner — who would they be?

I would invite… David Sedaris, Chelsea Handler, and Eminem.
11.  Do you believe in True Love?

I completely and whole heartedly DO believe in true love; I happen to be one of the people lucky enough to have found it.

 

And for my nomination, I would like to nominate
A String of Pearls.

Thanks

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First of all I wanted to thank those that left such kind comments; I can’t begin to describe how much it means to me to have people on my side, I feel like I don’t have a lot of that so when it happens it’s a big deal. I made the decision to not go to my mom’s today for Thanksgiving.  It was a hard one; I’ve never spent a holiday away from that side of the family before.  But I want to be with my husband and my son and I want us all to be together, so that’s what I did.  I have to admit, though, I took the cowardly way out and texted her instead of actually calling.  I also have not gotten a text message back, so I guess that tells me what she thought of that.  I’m sure I’ll hear all about it and how upset she is, but today I refuse to be negative. I’m going to enjoy a holiday where I don’t have to be rushing around and where I can be with my ENTIRE family, including Adam.

And in the spirit of things, I really do have a lot to be thankful for.  First and foremost, I’m thankful for Adam’s aunt and uncle, because without them I wouldn’t be in this warm house, have a full stomach and the promise of food later, or even know where my baby was going to sleep tonight.  Words couldn’t express how thankful I am for that, truly.  I’m thankful that my husband is here with me today and not in jail, or even just away from us.  I’m grateful that I have a wonderful little boy whom I watched the parade with this morning, a little boy who waved so hard at the television when Santa came on, SURE that he could really see him through the magic of the screen.  I never knew how much a warm place to stay meant until I almost didn’t have one.  So yeah, we’ve been through a lot of shit this year but the main thing is that we are all together and happy, we made it, and it will only make us stronger as a family. 

Family.  That’s what I’m the most thankful for this year; I don’t know where I would be without them. 

Bits

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We’ve been sleeping on an air mattress temporarily, because our bed got wet in the big move.  Somehow, I feel that this air mattress is similar to my life; when I go to bed it’s fine, but somewhere along the way it deflates, and I end up in the morning with my ass touching the floor and rubber surrounding me on all sides.  This is definitely a good comparison to my life right now; I start off the day thinking that things will be okay, and then by the end of the day my ass is touching the floor.  Just minor setbacks, but I just think that the air mattress analogy is a good one.  But…. I’m getting a new mattress today!  It should be delivered sometime while I’m at work and tonight I will be sleeping in a bed just like a normal person!  Imagine!

Adam had to go see his probation officer yesterday; every time he has to go I get a bad feeling in my gut, always afraid that they will somehow take him away from me.  Everything went fine, though.  The officer told him that he has spoken to his work and they had only good things to say about him, and that he was following the program just the way he’s supposed to.  I was so happy.  I know how hard he’s trying, and it’s nice to have someone else validate that as well.  The probation officer seems to think he’ll be on probation for about two years and as long as he stays out of trouble (which he WILL) we’ll finally be done on this long, long road.

Julie

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In the eighth grade, I was dating a boy named Drew.  “Dating” meaning that we sometimes sat next to each other at lunch and called each other on the phone occasionally.  Anyway, one day I was walking down the hall and an unfamiliar girl stopped me; “I’m sorry you broke up with Drew,” she said.  Um, I wasn’t aware that Drew and I had broken up?  I must have looked at her in shock because she quickly backpedaled.  “Uh, I mean, I thought- well, he’s…” and she scurried down the hall, stuttering away.  Turns out, the wonderful Drew had unceremoniously dumped me for another girl, yet had failed to tell me.  And the girl?  Would turn out to be my best friend.

The next year in Science class, I was wearing a concert t-shirt.  The girl who I recognized as the Drew-teller came up to me and asked me if I had gone to the concert, and from there I don’t think we ever separated.  We sat next to each other in Science until the boy on the other side complained because we were too loud and giggly.  We ate lunch together, we walked the halls together.

Julie was funny, sarcastic, wildly insecure and I loved her.  She became like a sister to me.  She spent every Saturday night at my house, and we would watch bad 80’s movies and make cookie dough and stuff our faces, gossiping the whole time.  She celebrated holidays with us; my mom made sure that there was always a present for her under the Christmas tree and baked her a chocolate cake for her birthday.  She went on our family vacations with us.  One of my little brother’s first words was “Jewie”.  I have never laughed as much as I did when Julie and I were together… we just seemed to complete each other, she was the yin to my yang.  At first glance we were total opposites; I was a girly girl who loved pink and glitter and she was a tomboy who knew how to skateboard and wouldn’t be caught dead in a dress.  But somehow, it fit.  WE fit.

My junior year of high school, I fell into a deep depression.  Julie sat in my bedroom, by my bed, for the majority of that year, because I couldn’t summon the energy to get up.  She forced me to go to my favorite restaurants and would make sure that I ate at least a little bit.  She gave me balloons and cards and reminded me that I was needed in the world.  I told her everything, and she was the one who let my mom in on the secret that I was really bad, suicidal, and they both slept on my bedroom floor to make sure I didn’t do anything stupid to myself.  I was put in the psychiatric unit, and when I called home that first night Julie was there, helping my parents get through a difficult time and to make sure she didn’t miss my call.  She completely saved my life.

Our lives took different directions after high school, but we were still close.  Then suddenly, we weren’t.  I have gone over and over it in my mind and I’m still not entirely sure why we fell out.  Different lifestyle choices, different things going on in each of our lives.  It culminated in a huge fight where we both said things that we didn’t mean, a fight that ended with me throwing my phone at the wall and shaking in hysterics.  I ran into once, about a year later, and tried to talk to her but it wasn’t the same, and we left without accomplishing anything.

I miss Julie every single day, though I haven’t seen or spoken to her in years.  Friendships like ours don’t come along that often, and I miss the connection that we shared.  I’ve emailed her a couple times over the years, letting her know how much I miss her and apologizing for anything that I may have done to be a bad friend, but so far she hasn’t responded.  I send her a message every year on her birthday and make sure to let her know how much I love and miss her.  She has responded a couple times, but doesn’t seem open to the idea of meeting in person.  I’m sure I wasn’t the friend she deserved; back then I could be pretty selfish and I think she needed me and didn’t know how to say it.  I wish I could turn back the clock and be better, make her see how much she means to me.  I miss her so much. 

I still hold out hope that someday we can patch things up.  Maybe it will never be the same, but even being in her life in any capacity would be better than nothing.  I can’t believe she wasn’t maid of honor at my wedding, or hasn’t met my son.  He would love her. 

Back when we were in high school, we fantasized that she would marry her crush and I mine, and we would buy matching houses right next to each other.  I don’t even know where she lives now, but I wish I lived there next to her. 

I love you, Julie, and I miss you so much.

The Boy

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He is puffed up with pride, his lip stuck out in concentration.  He has gotten himself dressed in a matching outfit, and put his dirty clothes in the hamper.  He has painstakingly folded his blankets and placed them on top of his pillow.  The little boy standing in front of me is suddenly so grown up he is almost unrecognizable, and though my heart swells with pride, a tiny part of my soul is screaming out for him to Stop!  Stop growing up and be my baby forever!

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He whispers to his father in the car, “Tell Mommy” and my husband passes on the information that he was really, really good today for his grandmother, who watches him during the day.  He was a good helper, picked up his toys, showed a younger cousin how to eat at the table and use utensils, ate his whole lunch.  He is proud of himself, yet a little shy about bragging.  Brag away, baby, brag away, for these small accomplishments are awesome.

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He is obsessed with Minecraft and will play for hours if we let him.  He tells me all about it, words tumbling out of his mouth.  There are creepers, zombies, spiders, pigs and cows.  He can build his own house in his own world, and his friend Emma plays with him there.  He places signs in his worlds, signs that say “Cole’s World” and “Welcome.”  Even in Minecraft he is polite.  He delights in the sounds the game makes, and when we take a walk we both have to be zombies, walking with our hands outstretched, “dying” and then coming back to life with a jump in the air.  He asks, “Can I tell you about Survival?  Can I tell you about Creative?” 

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On a perfect fall day he helps us rake the leaves.  He is a great helper, using a rake to push the leaves into a pile and resisting the urge to jump in them.  He stands in front of the leaf blower, shrieking with joy as the air and leaves hit him, dancing in the wind storm.  He cries when I ask him to move out of the way, but quickly recovers when I offer to let him use the blower himself.  Brow furrowed in concentration, he holds the heavy blower with both hands, carefully sweeping over the yard.  The sun catches in his hair and he almost glows.

Bits that Bug Me, Volume II

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  • The fact that no one in the office where I work can mind their own g-d business.  I swear, they monitor my TYPING and if I’m typing for a longer period of time than normal, it’s “what are you doing up there, Devon?” or if I’m on the phone it’s get off the phone or blah blah blah. They all have an opinion on my marriage, my plans, my life, and I didn’t ask for any of them. 
  • That I miss my baby and it’s not fair that I have to be at work all day with these bitches, missing him.
  • That I can’t seem to shake this funk today; keep dwelling on what is and what could have been, what was and what will be. I can change the future but I can’t change the past, and my brain has a hard time working around that.  I am very much a person who always thinks “What if?” though there is nothing I can do about it.  I keep thinking of some things that have happened over the last couple weeks and thinking of how it could have been different.  I WANT to be happy, I WANT to move on. 
  • A dull headache pulsing behind my eyes.
  • Worrying
  • The fact that my Pandora continues to play things that are cheerful and upbeat when clearly that is not what I’m in the mood for.

Stream of Conciousness

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Is there any lonlier time than when everyone else is sleeping and the house is silent? Your mind won’t stop racing enough to let you join in the peacefulness.
I keep wishing things were different but am unwilling to put the effort in to change. I try my best to hide from any and all unpleasant things and expect Adam to take care of everything so that I don’t have to deal. I hide, I avoid, I isolate, I sleep. Tonight I left the house, needed to be by myself and sing loudly and badly to break up songs. I drove around in the rain but never did come up with anything of substance.
Watching the boy dress himself today made my heart jump into my throat…how can he be so perfect with such fucked up parents? He pulled his shirt so carefully down, made sure the tag was in the back. Ate 2 bowls of cereal and asked me to feed him the last couple bites, just this once. I did. We don’t deserve this perfect creature.
It is pitch black & I accidentally picked out a library book that I’ve already read. I don’t want to be around anyone; what if my negativity rubs off on them? I’m not fun anymore, seems all I do is complain & moan about my problems, my life, me me me.
Sometimes I dislike my husband for no reason, want to plug his nose to keep the snores in. The other night I dreamed he cheated on me, except he was not him and I kept trying to punch the girl and missing, then I woke myself up screaming “Fuck you, whore!”
My dreams frequently leave me with a vauge, unsettled feeling. I dream the brakes stop working, or I can only go in reverse. I haven’t even tried to sleep, know it will be one of those nights. I wish someone would make me popcorn. I wish I ended up somewhere else. I wish I had the courage to move out of state.
Nothing makes sense in the inky blackness of night. My words flow almost unbidden. There’s so much I wish to accomplish but lack the energy to persue.
Ah fuck it, try to go to sleep…