Lies

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Jenny talks about how we all need to remember that depression lies, and it will NOT be here forever, and we WILL get through it.  I totally forgot this yesterday, as I quickly slid down the rabbit hole.

It started Sunday night, actually, when I was hit with an acute case of insomnia and didn’t go to sleep… at all, ever.  And that was the day that we turned the clocks, so Cole was up at the bright and cheery 5:30 a.m. and insisting that it was time to get up and play Legos! How fun!  I was so exhausted from the night of no sleeping, and my husband wasn’t home.  Why? Because he left in the middle of the night to help his friend fix a car.  Who does that?  At about 3 in the morning I went downstairs and found a note… “So and so’s car broke down, went to fix. Will be home by the time Cole gets up.”  Well obviously that wasn’t true, and I’ll even give him the benefit of the doubt that he didn’t realize that Cole would be getting up SO early.  So I waited.  And tried my best to hold it together.  I could feel the depression creeping. 

I am a crier, and when I’m having a dark day I just cry and cry, tears leaking out of my eyeballs uncontrolably.  I kept having to go upstairs and cry secretly in the bathroom so that Cole didn’t see.  The morning passed, slowly, and there was still no sign of my husband.  I got a text that said he was still working on the car and would be home at noon.  Okay, I thought to myself, okay, just make it till noon and you’ll be okay.  It will be okay.  So noon came and no Adam.  This was what I had been holding on to this whole time, and I completely lost it.  I told Cole to go ride his bike and as soon as the door closed behind him I SOBBED, great guteral heaving.  If asked, I wouldn’t have even been able to pinpoint an exact reason, just life in general.  I texted Adam and told him that I needed him, that I didn’t feel comfortable being there by myself.  He said he was trying to find a way home.

And in the meantime Cole needs breakfast, and lunch, and Lego building, and channel changing, and clothes donned, and you just have to suck it up and be a mother.  I dragged myself through the steps, but I’m sure it wasn’t quality parenting.  I managed to keep the worst of it from Cole (did you know the shower is the PERFECT place to have a breakdown? No one can hear you with the water running) but I just felt like I wasn’t going to make it all day.  I was begging, pleading to myself to be alright. 

Adam finally got home at 5:30, and I lost it on him.  I told him that I had needed him all day, and he’s always so busy helping other people that he forgets about the family that is waiting for him at home.  I yelled (I’m supposed to be working on that), and cried some more.  I spoke (screamed) at Adam in the bedroom so that Cole wouldn’t hear.  At the end, breathless, I just told him that I was having one of those days and I needed some time.  Just some time.

So Adam took over dinner and I stayed upstairs and got myself under control again.  I felt better just having someone else in the house, and having someone to talk to.  I got through it.  Today is better, a little.  I got out of bed and got myself to work, so I’m counting that as an accomplishment.  Depression lies!!  It WILL get better, it will.  I’ll just keep telling myself that, because it’s the only thing I can hang on to.

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