Stream of Conciousness


Is there any lonlier time than when everyone else is sleeping and the house is silent? Your mind won’t stop racing enough to let you join in the peacefulness.
I keep wishing things were different but am unwilling to put the effort in to change. I try my best to hide from any and all unpleasant things and expect Adam to take care of everything so that I don’t have to deal. I hide, I avoid, I isolate, I sleep. Tonight I left the house, needed to be by myself and sing loudly and badly to break up songs. I drove around in the rain but never did come up with anything of substance.
Watching the boy dress himself today made my heart jump into my throat…how can he be so perfect with such fucked up parents? He pulled his shirt so carefully down, made sure the tag was in the back. Ate 2 bowls of cereal and asked me to feed him the last couple bites, just this once. I did. We don’t deserve this perfect creature.
It is pitch black & I accidentally picked out a library book that I’ve already read. I don’t want to be around anyone; what if my negativity rubs off on them? I’m not fun anymore, seems all I do is complain & moan about my problems, my life, me me me.
Sometimes I dislike my husband for no reason, want to plug his nose to keep the snores in. The other night I dreamed he cheated on me, except he was not him and I kept trying to punch the girl and missing, then I woke myself up screaming “Fuck you, whore!”
My dreams frequently leave me with a vauge, unsettled feeling. I dream the brakes stop working, or I can only go in reverse. I haven’t even tried to sleep, know it will be one of those nights. I wish someone would make me popcorn. I wish I ended up somewhere else. I wish I had the courage to move out of state.
Nothing makes sense in the inky blackness of night. My words flow almost unbidden. There’s so much I wish to accomplish but lack the energy to persue.
Ah fuck it, try to go to sleep…


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