The other day I found the perfect thing on Pinterest but my phone is outdated and dumb so I couldn’t post it to my Facebook, which I was trying to do because I passive-aggressively wanted my mom to see it on there without actually TELLING her that it was there and for her. Basically it said something to the effect of “I was going to say all these terrible things but then I realized I just want to say I miss you,” or something like that.
I’m really opening up here, because my mom is a sensitive subject. I may cry, I may yell at you for no reason, or I may refuse to talk at all. I have started and stopped a million times in this post because everything’s all mixed up.
I had an idealic childhood. Some shit happened but shit happens to everyone and basically when I look back I just think of rainbows and bubbles and trips to the beach. There was a lot of laughter at my house, lots of good natured teasing and good old fashioned family togetherness. For a while, there was even a forced “Family Fun Night” which sounds like it was on some sitcom but was real. I was so lucky. And my mom was my entire world. She was my best friend; I was actually so close to her (and such a dork) that I would call her during lunch everyday in high school, just to tell her about my day.
I accidentally grew up and became an “adult”. (word in quotes because even on my best days I feel like I’m sixteen, tops) My mom and I continued to be close, just from seperate houses. However, wherever she was was still home to me. Sunday dinners, holidays, random days, we were still together. We talked on the phone all the time. When I got married and had a baby, sure, that slowed down a little as is natural, but I still turned to her for all things baby related and made sure to text her any and all funny/cute things that Cole did. She and my mother in law were the only people I would trust my baby with; in fact, I remember a dark time right after I had him, deep in the throes of postpartum depression, where she physically took the baby from me and forced me to go home and sleep, which I did for about fourteen hours.
About two years ago, a huge family crisis. My husband made a HUGE mistake, and it affected my mom and family gravely and horribly. I thought we could make it through it, thought that our bond was unbreakable, but I was wrong. Suddenly my best friend thought that every choice I was making was the absolute wrong one, and had opinions on how I was raising my kid (wrong), where I was raising him (wrong) and whether or not to stay with my husband. I chose to stay, which was also wrong. It culminated in a horrible Intervention type episode, with various members of my extended family there to add to the humiliation.
I needed a break. I couldn’t deal with the whole thing anymore, I needed to get my own life fixed and needed to start gluing my own broken family back together. I only meant to go away for a little while, but time stretched out and all of a sudden it was six months and I didn’t know what to say or how to break the ice, and then it was a year and even more weird. I avoid confrontation at all costs; my MO is usually to just avoid the situation until it goes away, which it rarely does but I don’t seem to be able to break the cycle. I didn’t want to have to rehash everything that had gone wrong and how much I had hurt everyone… I already knew.
I KNOW that I was wrong, but I also know that she was wrong in some ways too. I wish we could just start fresh and never talk about what happened in the past, but I don’t know if that’s possible. I don’t know what the first step is… I actually have a card that I’ve written yet failed to mail because I’m a coward. I guess I don’t want to be rejected, though I wouldn’t be any worse off than I am now. It is unreal to me that I am even typing these words; I NEVER would have guessed in a million years that I wouldn’t talk to my mom, my best friend.
Sometimes I’ll catch a whiff of her scent, or someone’s kind eyes will remind me of her. She always seemed to have a glittery sheen to her skin, which when I was little I attributed to magic and still kind of do to this day. More than anything I want to feel her arms around me and have her stroke my hair.
So there is really no neat solution to wrap up this post. I’m hoping that someday soon I will be able to come back here and tell you all that we have made up and it is all sunshine and rainbows again. I hope to find the courage to send this card that is burning a hole in my desk drawer. So we’ll see.