I am a bad friend. Social anxiety coupled with depression that makes it hard to leave the house makes it very difficult to be my friend. I will make plans and then break them, tell people that I will call and won’t. I don’t know what I did before texting, because I don’t like to talk on the phone either.
I feel bad about this, and about once a week make a resolution to myself that I will try harder. There are still a couple people hanging on the fringe, daring to invite me outside of my house. I tell myself that I will make an effort with them, that I will make plans and keep them, and then it always falls apart. I personally wouldn’t want to be friends with myself.
I was invited to a bonfire this weekend and have already caught myself trying to think of excuses why I cannot go. But I’ve cancelled on this friend a million times already, PROMISED her that I would make more of an effort, so I’m forcing myself to go. Maybe now that it has been written down I’ll HAVE to do it.
I really want to be a good friend, I want a friend that I can text all the time and she’ll know what I’m thinking/feeling without asking and will understand when I just want to stay in my pajamas all day and will sit with me and watch Netflix and eat junk food. But first I will have to make the effort myself and I am really going to try.
Things have been difficult the last couple weeks, to say the least. As I had written before, Adam lost his job and we have just been struggling to keep our heads above water. Being broke sucks! I’m not sure if we’ve ever been this bad off before. So my brain was taken up with figuring out how to get gas in the tank to get to work, how to get food on the table for dinner, how to pay the rent. As is my MO, I mostly just wanted to get under the covers and sleep. You are not hungry when you’re sleeping, nor are you worrying about money. It is blissful to me, but not that effective of a coping mechanism if you want to get things done.
Adam and I always fight more when we don’t have any money. Call me old fashioned, but I look to him as the man of the family to try and figure stuff out, though after this period of time I am really trying harder to step up and be responsible, because sometimes he just drops the ball. Then I end up resenting him, end up yelling, which is also something I need to work on. I am a yeller. I am also obviously a huge work in progress!
Cole continues to be the light of my life and the reason I throw those covers back every morning. The other day I was putting laundry away in his room and dropped a shirt on the floor; when I came back up I happened to be eye to eye with the huge SHARPIE MARKER-ED NAME that he had chosen to write on his closet wall. Did you know that Sharpie doesn’t come off that easily, even with a Magic Eraser? It mostly just takes the paint off the wall, so now there is a big patch on his closet wall where I made him try and scrub it off. He didn’t even try and deny, because he had written his own name. Kids.
I would give anything to have a vacation. Why am I not one of those bloggers that get offered stuff??? I would totally write a nice review!
So that’s what’s been going on and why I haven’t been around as much. Please know that I am still keeping up with all of you and as always, the blogging community continues to give me strength and make me laugh when I need it the most.
Coming back into the light, squinting. A rough week, two weeks, forever. I have been a bad friend, mom, wife. But I’m still here. Still standing.
Nothing cures the blues like a dog curled up on your foot. Someone always loves you.
Questioning everything, hard decisions lined up as far as you can see. And in the middle of it all, a kindergarten graduation, an end of the year picnic, running the bean bag toss.
Life sneaks in through the cracks, sunlight reaching under the blankets and forcing me out of bed.